Journal of a Sysadmin

Happy Fathers Day to me

Fathers Day 2008 came and has almost gone and it marks something I think is special to me.

I’ve been a father for 20 years.

It was a great day, with a breakfast at my favorite breakfast establishment in the city (Nellies in the Loop), a good bike ride, gardening, and a quiet evening (so far).

As a dad I’ve been OK. I’ve been there at least, well mostly, ish. It was hard early on with 3 boys and me having so much luggage. Now it’s completely different.

I only wish I could change things that I did not do then. I would have tried much harder to be more responsive for them, and to play, and to take them out, and to camp and fish and hike. Things that I have always enjoyed but at that point in my life couldn’t even begin to think of. To me it was all hidden and there was very little Joy except I must admit from them, from my kids.

I worked, sometimes 20 hours a day (mostly from home). I didn’t really cook for them, I let them play outside on their own and sometimes they got into trouble. It’s not that I was a bad dad, I just had a lot of issues myself and to work through them took time… It has taken time.

By the time I realized what I was doing wrong it was too late for the two oldest boys, they had their ways set and although I try to get past damaged bridges which were not completely burned it’s hard. The third son, maybe it’s OK maybe it’s not but he doesn’t have some of the issues his older brothers had. They are now growing into more thoughtful beings although they are still a distance from that magical “34″, the supposed age where people actually become mature. I wonder if I’m even there yet…

Now it’s time for a forth son and a lot of change has happened since 1988. My world has gone from chapter 1 page 12 to… Well I’m not really sure but I hope it’s someplace south of the middle still.

We evolve so much as we age and travel down our chosen paths, and sometimes those changes take years and years. Finally at the end we will be able to SUM() our life’s changes and when all the ++’s and –’s are done we will know our score. From the time I first held Anthony until Jonah was born I had become a different person twice, once diving in and another coming back up to the surface in total taking a course of 18 years with many of them in places I will never visit again. And never have want to.

And I still evolve. I still try to evolve.

Jaime has helped, and continues to help. She sees things in a vastly different way then I and shows me as best she can how things don’t have to be “this way” or “that way”. She really does deserve most of the credit for the changes I have surprisingly sometimes taken over the last 2 years. As a father my attitudes towards parenthood have evolved from very “old school” to a far more holistic view; My entire being has been evolving that way for years.

This could be called Adult Education Unschooling.

And we know so much more now then 20 years ago.

And I will continue to learn, I must continue to learn.

And Jaime, Anthony, Richard, Connor, and little Jonah will continue to teach, I do hope they continue to want to teach me.

I love you all, and thank you all so much.